From the Home Office in Grand Forks

Deciding to eat lunch in the teachers' lounge for the first time at a school is like choosing to enter a police interrogation room.  Between bites of my peanut butter sandwich, I field endless questions from teachers about my decision to live in Grand Forks.  This lunch-time grilling is almost always the same, beginning with the question, You're married to someone on the Air Force Base, right? and ending with So what do you do living on your own? (And, yes, that sentence has a weak pun.  And, no, I'm not ashamed to admit it.)

Tonight, ladies and gentlemen, I will answer the question of what a single girl in a new town does to pass the time.  From the Home Office in Grand Forks, North Dakota, I present to you the Top Ten Things to Do When You Live on Your Own in a New Place.

10. Take up unnecessary crafts, like magnet-making.  

Avoid potentially useful hobbies, like photography.

9. Drink coffee.  Read.  Fill in the crossword.  Repeat.

8. Check in daily with the wise basket owl who lives on your kitchen wall.  How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop, Mr. Owl?

7. Procrastinate updating your blog.  Watch 1980s David Letterman on YouTube instead.

6. Swap recipes and coupons with the Manitoban housewives at the Hugo's Grocery.

5. Start a 2-hour skirt pattern.  Stretch it out to take several weeks.

4. Cook while listening to "Jolene".

3. Sample the cookie dough Blizzard at each of the four Dairy Queen locations.  Go back to each to compare their chocolate-dipped cones.

2. Clean while listening to "Coat of Many Colors".

And the Number One Thing to Do When You Live on Your Own in a New Place--drum roll, please, Paul--

1. Throw spontaneous dance parties for yourself.  Model your dance moves after this: